Roses in a pail

Some words are simply heart-breaking, eyes-tearing, motivation wrecking, spirit-crushing.

Not motivating…

When we do a lot of works, especially for the first time, we tend to do a lot of mistakes. The easiest way of not committing any mistake is by not doing any work, and blame it on those who does!!

Suatu masa dulu sang ayah ligat bekerja,

Anak-anaknya akur mendengar kata,

Bukan kerna sang ayah keras kepala,

Tetapi dek tak terkejar legasi mindanya.

Suatu masa dulu ayahanda sibuk menanam benih,

Bukan semata-mata untuk membeli kasih,

Tetapi kerna enggan melihat nasib anak-anaknya menjadi buih,

Ditiup zaman hilang tinggal merintih.

Suatu masa dulu ayah bagai bendahara berkuasa,

Angguk-angguk saja sang anak bila ditanya,

Mungkin takut mungkin jua rasa selesa,

Dengan pimpinan yang tetap hala tujunya.

Kini ayahanda sudah tua,

Teraju rumah pada si anak yang paling dewasa,

Sayang lidah bertikam perahu bergoyah jua,

Sauh retak bagai menanti masa.

Ayahanda sudah tua,

Bebelnya dengar sahaja,

Jangan cuba disanggah kata,

Yang benar akur, yang salah diam jua.

Ayahanda sudah tua,

Mudah merajuk jika tidak merasa istimewa,

Pujuklah, hormatilah dia seadanya,

Kerak bertemu air larut jua akhirnya.

Ayahanda sudah tua,

Sensitifnya berganda-ganda,

Tapi andai benar apa yang disuruh kota,

Celakalah nasib anak yang menderhaka.

Barangkali dia pernah berkuasa,

Barangkali dia pernah berdosa,

Tetapi dia tetap ayahanda kita,

Tempatnya sama sekali tidak akan berada di bawah sana.

im okay now. my mind is back to its normal state since my brain no longer send excessive signals to the synaps. i guess part of me being a woman is to be having this hormonal imbalance at times.

Klungg…

Life is like that! b4 i went out of my mind, i decided to keep bz doing stuff that i like, n used to do.

in progress is learning this XML language to build a nice web/blog template. my knowledge in HTML and JAVA seemed to help a lot. I learnt this new language in just a two nights or less. next is Flash. I dun think its gonna be too hard for learning the basics and intermediate level of Flash. That i think also, trying to master Photoshop, i know how to filter blablabla but i want something more professional.ok la dulu kut…

i just need to keep the left part of my brain bz, b4 my medula oblongata explodes again.

With no one to talk to and no access to anywhere, my heart is so empty and lonely, as to be best described as the loneliness of an old graveyard. I had tried to ignore this emptiness by continuing doing all those things not of my choice, until when last Saturday, I was suggested by a traditional practitioner as being under stress. I never thought the word ’stressed’ would came out, as I was thinking of some other words such as headache, back pain, digestion problem etc, since she was selling products from quite a famous traditional brand.

However, she was more concerned about my stress level that she checked my hands and eyes like…three times. She asked me if I were working, studying etc… I told her that I were a full time mum and might be due to me sleeping late at night sometimes (have to). She wasnt satisfied with that answer and asked me if I were doing something that seemed to be the reason… Well, I think i know but let me just keep the answer a secret (as if anybody would care).

My hubby seemed to care, he brought back two movies which he downloaded, and told me,

"Lepas ni jangan stress-stress lagi tau."

Thank you abang

But then that was when I realized that I had to do something! Anything! Something that I love and something beneficial. I have to reorganize my schedule as if I am studying/working. I should have my time table filled with anything meaningful. And I had to do it myself, even though you have somebody who would always be by your side whatever however the situation is, when it come to dealing with your own feeling, then nobody could really help you but yourself. Of that I believe.

Well, actually I am working on something with few other members, sort of academic things and little bit of community service. But not yet started, still in raw plan. So, from tomorrow onwards…!!!

I prayed to Him, to guide my sinful soul. Here is the first sentence I saw when I randomly opened the book ‘La tahzan’ or ‘Jangan bersedih’, written by aidh bin abdullah al-qarni.

"Bersama kesusahan ada kemudahan."

Saraf-saraf anda akan tetap tegang, kebimbangan jiwa anda tidak akan reda, dan kecemasan di dada anda tidak akan lenyap sebelum anda betul-betul beriman kepada qadha dan qadar.

What a great book..

"Atau siapakah yang mengabulkan doa orang yang menderita jika dia berdoa kepadaNya?"  (surah An-Naml:62)

And I felt my burden a little bit lifted up.

The Prophet said,

"The superiority of ‘Aisha to other ladies is like the superiority of Tharid (i.e. meat and bread dish) to other meals. Many men reached the level of perfection, but no woman reached such a level except Mary, the daughter of Imran and Asia, the wife of Pharaoh."

Our baby was named Aisyah Rifqah. Named after the wife of our beloved prophet SAW, it is our hope that she will grow up to resemble her in terms of her Iman, Islam, intelligence, knowledgeable, eloquence manner towards the right and the wrong, and strong, phsycally and mentally.

Rifqah was the name from the inspiration, which later I came to know that it was the name of the wife of Ishaaq RA, the mother of Yaaqub RA and have quite a close relation to prophet Ibrahim RA, Rifqah binti A’zar. All praises to Him with His great inspiration, Alhamdulillah.

Aisyah Rifqah is soon to celebrate her 1 year old birthday this 25th of April. She possess the normal ability just like any other babies at her age do, and I know this sounds quite weird since most of the mothers tend to ‘boast’ about their babies and believe in their ’superpotential’, I, on the other hand, am trying to see her as she is. I wanted to raise her just like my father had raised me with his love and bare hands.

If she is to be blessed with great ability, I hoped that she would not misuse her talents and would serve her community and herself well. If she has more talents at using her hands rather than her head, I hope that I could lead her to the correct path before she can travel on her own. It is just that, I wanted her to know that she doesnt have to be supergenius or supercute to win my heart, she just need to be my baby, and she will be loved forever and ever.

To me, she is just tan and wonderful, agile and cheerful, bright and beautiful. Not less than perfect in my eyes.

Happy birthday!!

It’s been a while now since I last blogged here. I was just too busy being part of everybody’s else’s life, and too tired. Time flew. So, where am I now? Let’s see…

-Finished and submitted thesis, still waiting 4 viva yet to come  which I had no clue of when

-My babe is almost one year old, so energetic that make me wonder if she took half of the energy from me.. muahaha, i get tired easily these days

-struggling with the house chores, doing things I never thought I have to do.. sob.. sob..

-i missed frenz n somebody to talk to

-i missed going out alone for window shopping

-i missed eating alone, quitely and peacefully

-i missed game and sim and animes and cartoons

-i missed being in academic world

here I am, busy but lonely…victimised by traditional customs and conservative mind, not being ‘who’ but ‘whom to who’..What is to become to me now? All praises to Him.

I wonder if there is anyone out there that share the same feelings that I have?Wishing that i’m not alone…

Huiss…My baby dah besor, n she has her own opinion on everything as early as 2months old. Memang camtu kerr? She is one strong n healthy baby girl. So far tak pernah demam lg walaupun kena jabs 5 in 1 tuh. Tapi si chubby nih (papa dia gelarkan acikuci, taktaula kenapa, aisyah kecik kut), dia ada kahak sket kt tekak, biasala bb.n sekali tuh sakit perut sket. So kitorg pun g la the best clinic around batu pahat 4 the best doc n the best medicine that money can buy.

Pastu bermulalah peperangan antara mama dan aisyah.

1st time: Mama vs Aisyah

Bagi ubat dalam puting botol susu. Dia ngamuk2 tapi isap gak. Abishla jugak, walau bertahun lamanya mama tunggu n terpaksa picitkan ke dlm mulut lagi.

2nd time: Mama vs Aisyah

Bagi Aisyah hisap ubat dlm botol susu. Lama betul dia isap, tak abish2. In fact cam tak luak pun. Tapi memang cam dia isap. Mulut terkumat-kamit. Bunyi2 lagi…Tapi lama benor nih tak luak2. Rupa2nya memang dia tak isap..Isy, mama kena tipu. Picitkan dalam mulut dia, dia luah. Picit lagi dia luah lagi. Mottainaiii… Pastu mama ada satu idea, mandangkan bagi susu botol dia hisap, so waktu dia nak isap susu tu la mama tukar ngan ubat. Muahaha…Lama2 abish gak ubat tu walaupun dia ngamuk2.

3rd time: Papa vs Aisyah

Aisyah guna baby weapon, menangis. Tp papa cakap lagi senang nk kasi, sebab baby Aisyah bukak mulut waktu nangis.So waktu tu la kasi ubat.Kali ni guna syringe.sket2 abish gak. Faster than mama’s conventional way of feeding her medicine.

4th time: Mama vs Aisyah

Mama ikut cara papa. Waktu nangis  tu mama ‘inject’ ubat. Tapi bb Aisyah dah bijak. Dia luah. So mama buat taktik kasi susu botol, so dia akan hisap susu tuh bersama2 ubat. Berjaya.

5th time: Papa allied ngan mama vs Aisyah

Aisyah dah tak nangis. Tengok botol ubat ngan syringe tu dia tutup mulut rapat sambil paling ke tepi. Hmmphh, padahal kalau nampak papa selalunya terlompat2 hepi. Mama terpaksa picit sket mulut Aisyah utk papa kasi ubat, sebab dia tutup rapat. Tp punyerla susah nak bukak mulut dia, dah merah2 sket pipi mama picit, sebab nk bukak mulut. Dia macam kemam mulut. Lepas ubat masuk mulut jer dia luah. Terpaksa tutup mulut dia plak lepas kasi ubat. Haiii… Bila bagi botol susu utk wat taktik sebelum nih, taktik tu dah backfired kat mama, sebab baby Aisyah gunakan puting susu tuh utk keluarkan ubat ikut tepi mulutnya (sambil gigit puting susu).Mama terpaksa guna jari n sapu ke dlm mulut semula. Tu pun sapu kt lidah, kalau tak dia luah.

6th time: Mama allied ngan nanny vs Aisyah

Bila tunjuk syringe ngan botol ubat tu kat baby Aisyah, dia buat2 tak kenal dan tak nampak. Takperr… Pastu picit ubat sket n tutup mulut dia. Dia ngamuk2 gak. Picit lagi n tutup lagi mulut. Ok, cam telan dah. Sikit2 mama wat, agak2 dah habish ubat dalam mulut dia telan, mama picit lagi sampai habis dos. Alhamdullillah.Habish gak.

Itulah…walaupun tak sedap, tapi Aisyah kena minum gak tau, nanti cepat sihat.

Tiba2…

"Brrr…."

Aisyah tiup air ubat keluar dari mulutnya, tinggi ala2 fountain.

Grrrrrrrr…..

    Some people could only feel His existence when something good or unexpected happened to her/him. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard phrases, such as this one; “Alhamdulillah, saya tak sangka boleh menang anugerah ini”, even though clubbing was that person’s second nature. But for most of us, we think of Him only and especially when we need Him. And I’m making this statement without excluding myself.

    At 24 years old, I felt like I could have half of this world to me. The energy within told me that I could do anything if I wanted so. A good job with the chance to climb up to a higher hierarchy in the company, a loyal husband being by my side and more than average income, what else could I think of, for a girl at that age?

Sadly enough, family was the thing I lacked of. People just can’t take it that I’m totally grateful with what I have, they started to say things to make me unhappy, to make me feel inadequate, or maybe just to get them feel better over me. 

“Why don’t you try to get a baby? Do you think you will stay young for the rest of your life? Just wait until you get old and lonely…”

“You have never tried enough, don’t you?”

“Are you guys having some kind of problems? Don’t you want to seek for bomoh’s help? I know a good one.”

Any Mouslim left? Please advise me to seek for Allah’s help, not any doctor or shaman, pawang, bomoh,… I can’t just take any drink with words I have never heard being spit into it… I believe not everyone have that karamah.

So my happiness ended there. I started to take in the ‘fact’ that I’m not normal. I wanted to be ‘normal’ in my community’s perspective, and their points of a normal girl is to have a husband and then to have a kid and then to have the second one and then the third one and then some grandchildren and then to die old on your bed. Opps, I forgot, some great grandchildrens as well, only then you can be perfectly normal

So I drank all those drinks, and swallowed all those pills, from those made by local orang kampong, to the ones imported from America, Indonesia and Iraq. Stupid was I. From over consumption, I got bed rested for few days. I had high fever and my head was throbbing for few painful days.

There, I gained my sanity back.

Seven years…

My prayers had never been answered.

My dreams never had come true.

I should stop…

But then, I don’t stop praying. But I stop praying while thinking that, I’ve been good enough or things such as ‘Why can’t He just give me one. I have prayed, I did good deeds, avoiding bad things. Just give me one, I promise to be better.’ And I also stop thinking that God is punishing me for something wrong that I’ve done…

IT IS FATE.

This is the best thing He has decided for me, and He knows best. And so I started to realize that, if I pray, I can beg but I have no right to ask. I can feel sad but I have no right to be upset, for I am His slave. And a slave has no right to demand against whatsoever. I feel ashamed of myself. Thus I pray,

“Give me the best that you have decided on me. And if the best wasn’t what I had expected, give me some strength to face it and please guide me to be strong.”

Seven years

Eighty four months

Few hundred prayers

Few thousand tears…

He gave me her when I forgot how much I needed one. He gave me this little fellow when I’m totally in the state of tawakkal. No words can best describe my feeling, the first few seconds when I take a glance at her tiny white face.

The voice I haven’t heard before yet I have adored for long.

Let’s imagine you have
9 siblings. You are the eldest. And your parents are away for some unavoidable reasons,
and it has been a week since they are away.

Lol! Imagine this!!

Suddenly u’re burdened
with thousands of chores, you have to clean the mess, you have to make sure
your sibling take their bath or go to sleep on time, and you have to cook. Yes,
u can cook but not to the extend that u prefer to eat ur own cooking. The house is turning upside
down. Clothes are everywhere, dust and dirt, water spilled- disaster. Your
parents are supposed to be home at anytime, and suddenly u received a phone
call- that your parents are not coming back today, not even this month! No
reason is given.

WOW!!

Honestly, what is your
feeling?
Hate? Freedom? (Not
with 9 siblings to look after) Confuse? Angry? Happy?

Well, the feeling is
our inner child when we have to face our responsibility. Responsibility is something
that we always take as restraining the freedom- and no wonder we will be angry
and rebellious, unless we know the “what, why,
and how”for each of the responsibilities. At times we become scared of the
unseen future, sometimes we become so full of hope and other times, we might
lost to our own feeling…

Let us go straight-

that is human and religion. When we were forced with some rules
and regulations or obligations, we tend to rebel. We thought that some of these obligations
are stupid- just like when people say “it’s stupid to say that the earth is
round (ellipse) and not the center of the world.” It just that we didn’t know!
When we thought we know a lot, there’s always someone who knew better, no?

Thing is, human laws changed frequently. 馬鹿みたいに、都合によってコロコロと変わるもの．And God’s
laws is never against any logic and scientific facts, and never harm anyone,
never sound ridicule, never against our inner instinct. The only thing people
kept arguing (to justify their need) is the ‘inconvenience’ part. Yeah, we met
a lot of people like that. Who want to feel inconvenience and burdened?

I prefer to talk specifically on Malay and Islam. Yes, Malay
by default is Mouslim. (You cannot be a cat while born Dalmatian, rite ?) You,
your mother, father, ancestors are Mouslim- assuming them leading an Islamic
life. Why is it that you want to say that Malay is not necessary being Mouslim?
If you want to convert to other religion out of your stupidity, just do it, don’t
justify anything. Even Jews are not saying that by being born as Jews, u’re not
necessarily Jews (don’t come argue with me if u didn’t read that much).

Lately, people kept flooding my email box with this Lina not-so-joy thingy.
To be honest- I DON’T REALLY CARE. She just satisfied my statistic that, Malay
girls who convert to other religions are normally are-gly. They are either too
ugly, too poor or too rich, but all are rebellious. The only thing I care is to
save my faith and the faith of people surrounding me, and my children…

Why am I so angry? Well, I have some personal experience wif this matter. They
really annoyed me. Me and my friends were several times approached by these
Christian missionaries…many times while we were studying in Japan. It was
clever of them to approach helpless girl one on one, so obvious was their
intention. Then they will invite us for some functions normally in the church or
so-called-open-n-knowledgeable debates. Scared by few people suddenly come to
her house early in the morning, my friend said that she’s a Mouslim…(afraid
that it will involve religious ceremony, while hoping that they will show some
respects to our faith, like we show them). And then, the makcik politely and
softly said “Is it Islam that does not allow you to help with volunteering
works?” Clever-huh?

Other friends got her background investigated thoroughly by these
missionaries, while some who failed on first attempt would always appear the
next day with some other people (higher ranked vip, I think) to help them win
the debate over some of us. 

Few days ago, while me and my hubby were strolling down the Bodensee lake (Friedrichschafen,
Germany), two
missionaries came and asked us about the future. They were Swiss, a young good
looking guy and middle aged woman. Then the q&a began.The guy looked so innocent
that I felt pity when he couldn’t answer some of the basic questions- that my
hubby asked him, n sort of became speechless. The makcik was more knowledgeable
but as English was the limitation (she told me), they ended up with “we’ll meet
again. if u have some time, we can discuss this later. It’s very nice to meet u
two.” They wanted to take our phone numbers etc and give theirs… but yeah, we
told them honestly we don’t have to, since we’re going back to Malaysia soon. Same
old pattern…

 What really pissed me off was the way the woman looked at me, knowing that a
girl was more soft-hearted, she looked at me (I kept silent and pretended as if
I didn’t understand English). She looked at me, smile politely as if she care
and knew all ‘bout me, n smile n nodded politely (I ignored them n were not
facing them, instead I just threw an empty look at the lake, without turning my
back on them), she tried to appeal as “you know u can trust me, pity my dear, u
must have faced a lot of troubles. I can ease ur pain.” (I
wonder why they always looked the same, r they trained?)
SEE?
I may say by staying outside Malaysia, we become
more aware and defensive about our faith, unlike in Malaysia, people
are more rilex n take things for granted. The most dangerous part if they
approach u in ur place (country) is that they must have investigated you
thoroughly, knew ur language, ur culture, ur country n u- everything bout u. They
would make u realize the needs towards dunyya that always lie deep within ur heart- u don’t have money, or having some kind of complexity ‘bout ur looks or
background etc…
Like those who have approached us, I may say, they have got two things very
wrong and unnoticed-
first, they didn’t have enough infos on our background;
and second, least that they know, we are not just Muslim by default!!

Why dont you just respect us for being what we are?

p/s: I don’t mind whatever happen to lina not-so-joy, or whatever people do
to her. The way she sounded (if u read her court appeal) was so arrogant- she
didn’t show any love and respect towards her family,her parents, or race or country. If war happen, she
needed to be vanished, since she is likely to be the first to betray the
nation.